There’s no way around it: divorce is hard on kids. With roughly 40-50% of married couples in the United States eventually getting divorced, children are often caught in the crossfire of hurt feelings and strained communication.
Although some pain might be unavoidable, that doesn’t mean you’re helpless to do anything about it. If you’re a parent going through divorce, here are some things you should know to help your kids through that process.
Children Aren’t That Resilient
For some reason, the popular response to any kind of trauma involving children is that “kids are resilient.” While it’s true that children are remarkable for their ability to (eventually) bounce back after getting hurt, that’s no excuse for insensitive parenting. People are resilient in general, but that doesn’t make suffering any less real.
Another popular assumption is that if the parents are okay, the children will be fine. While it’s certainly true that your children do better if you’re not falling apart around them, it doesn’t follow that they’ll be happy just because you are. Rather, if you feel like your divorce was a personal victory, and your children don’t share your enthusiasm, they may be offended and hurt when you feel like celebrating.
Children are not immune to pain, and they’re not little extensions of you, so you can’t simply assume they’ll be okay with anything. They are going to have their own feelings, thoughts, and interpretations about your divorce. Unfortunately, if they don’t already see it your way, trying to force them to agree with you is only going to make things worse. Instead, the best thing you can do is respect their feelings and what they think. Give them space to have their own opinions, and although you should do your best to be there for them, don’t nag at them or force them into talking.
While it’s no excuse for improper parenting, children are pretty resilient. Over time, they will come to terms with the way things are. And if you trust them enough to let them form their own conclusions, they just might see it your way one day.
Your Problems Will Not Disappear
The annoying thing about problems is that sometimes, the harder you try to run away from them, the more they cling to you. 88% of Americans get married for love, but they usually divorce because of problems that just can’t seem to be solved together. You may be getting a divorce for the right reasons, but that doesn’t mean your life will get magical as soon as your spouse is out of the picture.
For one thing, divorcing someone you’ve had children with will only keep them so far away. They’ll be seeing the kids now and then, which means you’ll continue to see them, too. And the things that annoyed you about your spouse before won’t go away — at best, you’ll just have to deal with them less often.
What may be more significant is the problems that will likely arise because of the divorce itself. When you’re parenting children, this is almost inevitable. Even if your kids are on board for the divorce (which is unusual), they’ll still have to adjust to life without both parents. And if you plan on dating again, that could make things even more complicated.
Instead of ignoring, avoiding, or running away from the problems that turn up, you should take the offensive and actively work to solve them. Take extra time to focus on your children and listen to them. Even if they don’t feel much like talking, you can still learn how to help them just by observing them. Besides, simply being there can count for the most.
Many children experience feelings of low self-esteem, especially teenagers. Divorce can easily aggravate that problem since children are prone to blaming themselves when families fall apart. This is the last thing you want, so it can help to make special efforts to help your children build better self-esteem. You could start by trying to help them understand why the divorce was necessary for you, and how it had nothing at all to do with them. There are many other practical things you can do to help your children with their self-esteem. For example, many children need to have their teeth straightened, but 47% of Invisalign Teen users experienced a boost in self-esteem during treatments, compared to just 22% of teens with metal braces. Making simple changes like this could have a significant impact on a teen’s social life and confidence.
Besides parenting your children, it’s necessary to practice proper self-care as well. This can be especially important if the divorce was largely your spouse’s idea. Feeling rejected by someone can wreak havoc on your self-image, and if you don’t feel good about yourself your kids will only have a harder time themselves. Along with helping your children move on, make sure you address the problems and challenges in your personal life. Placing an emphasis on self-development and plans for the future can help you move on after an emotional setback.
Feeling Normal Will Take Time
No one enjoys feeling like their world is off-center. You may be in a hurry to move on after your divorce, eager to forget everything and start over again. This may not be the thing your children need, however. Even if you’re all supportive of one another and have each other’s best interests at heart, it will still take time to move on and adapt. Rushing the process will only result in more pain, so don’t hurry through it. Every one of you deserves to work through your emotions at your own pace.
Parenting children through a divorce may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. However, given time and understanding, it can end up being better for all of you. Through patient, mindful parenting, you can all come out of the challenge stronger than you were before.
